Do I know anything?

avatar

RoseOptimiste7

elle/elle

1a

I always think of the way or what happens after I die, the way it was written in Hamilton (musical) it got to me and made me think about it, what is a legacy? Who truly knows what to do in everyday moments? What does death feel like? Cold, warm, wet, dry? Is it a feeling or a pain? Do you have the wisdom when you die? Do you think of yourself or love ones? Will someone ever tell your story? Who do you trust for such things? I want to know but I won’t, will I? Will someone love me so that they tell my story truthfully? How to know what love truly is? Is it complicated? Is it the way you see them and it feels like you always knew them? Do they feel like what you were is what was missing in their life? Is it sweet? What if it gets bitter? Who will sacrifice to sweeten it? What if it’s already cooked and just stays bitter forever? What if you don’t have a good life? I don’t know what to do about it but I don’t want to be ruining someone because of my own past. What if I never get kids? What do I know?! I don’t know anything about everything but everything about nothing.. IT TRIGGERS ME BUT ITS TRUE! I can’t just be blind over the fact that we completely forgot about the fact that we aren’t even close to knowing what is happening in the world and universe yet we act like we have a clue, how did Einstein knew? I mean it was always there, how did he perceive things? He was just always right? No way. I barely know anything like him but I want to know, not to flex. Those things fascinate me so much I’m happy to know more. Even though I don’t have the energy of process like him but I want at least a glimpse of it. I want to have my own mark in history. Still my own mind knows im worth more than a dollar, at least I hope so! I’m not sure I’m wise, what is a wise person? someone whom gain knowledge by experience and errors? I think so. But there’s so much more to it I think.. lately I’ve been feeling like a little clock. Always watched, I’m not feeling well outside of my house, is the world looking at me in such ways it knows I’m in danger? I don’t think so, I hurt my body staying inside but I can’t get out without having the feeling something will happen to me, I want the person to stop the mockery of me. It’s not fair, I want it to stop. Just who is it!? I feel like I’m looking for a needle in a bottle of hay. I’m lost, I can’t find what I like. What if I make the wrong choice of my future? I don’t want to lose everything. Who will be the one telling my errors on front page of embarrassment? I want to seek the truth and future yet future can’t ever come to me, the truth flows through me and never lightens me or my mind, do I not know how to achieve this knowledge yet? I need to get back on my feet.. laying on the ground will never make me fly through wind and find the unseen truth of it all, but what will awaits me there? What if I can’t see or feel the truth? What if the truth will never come? What if the truth was false? What can I achieve in a world where I am nothing until I find a purpose I haven’t gotten hints to find it? What if my purpose is to find a way to make it happen? Make what happen? Why shouldn’t I be in history? Why would I be in history? What if those eyes are the people watching my story? Watching my future unravel before my own very eyes? What if I am both of them? Nothing and everything? I mean, nothing to the world, everything to my twin.. celebrities who became everything wishes to be nothing. What is nothing then? Small comfortable house and nothing else? But is that really nothing? I’m just trying to make sense of it all honestly.. Im scared of being forgotten after my last breath. I’m running out of time, am I? I’ve done nothing wrong nor achieved anything. I want to leave the world with something. I want more time, I want to learn the piano, saxophone, violin and harp. I want to learn the way music works, the way it’s taught, the way it makes us teach ourselves things that we never knew existed..Would I have done enough? I want to leave letters, I’m sure nobody would read them. Technology. Haha. So is this my letter to the world and future? I don’t want to hear it anymore.. I don’t want this to be a mark of my existence. It isn’t enough! I want to mark people, make them live, make them live the emotions I ever so slightly felt at least once, I want to feel proud of myself in my last moments. Will I? Will people ever know my life the way I did? Will they ever understand my feelings? I just never will know, I’m miserable. I want to die. But I don’t want this. I don’t want the world to know that this is the weakness I fell for. I want to know that the world has loved me. I want to be able to feel the way that they will feel. Knowing my feelings, mistakes, wins, my legacy (I still have no shot what it is) my love, my family, my death, my fears. Just how long will I survive? How long will it take till I truly live? I don’t know… the answer probably is not that much longer.. maybe just maybe, I’ll love someone. I don’t have a greater mindset than anyone else, I have no idea what my Purpose is and how to go through it, against it, pass it. Is it really all in my mind already? Where can or would I be able to find it? I want to know that I will be learnt by people.. studied even, I am selfish. I am scared of just leaving ashes behind my death whatever it might be, I’m not a poet at all and I don’t do great poems, I wish I did. Do we all have a shot in life? I really don’t think so, I hate that life is so unfair. But it’s not like I was power in this fucked up place, I think about death daily. Like I’ve been there, was I? I don’t remember any life threatening events that happened to me. I want to laugh at peoples misery, the I’m the most miserable human in any room full of person I see. All have a purpose.. what is mine? Will I ever know it? I’m so tired of trying to find my own happiness again and never once getting the slightest of idea it might be.. I know small facts, I’m not a big mind.. I don’t know how to become one. I want to fly free as a bird, like the sound of my instrument flowing through the air with ease, like a runner in a race, like a baker in its own bakery. I want my place. I am a rat in a fancy restaurant, a princess in the slums, a pig with lipstick in a ball. I am not in my own place.. my right place, is Canada the place I wanna live in till my very last breath? Dying in honor for this country? Having my own future in this place? Yet another thing I can’t understand about everything. I clean every day and nothing changes, I hate this life. I want to trace my own life and it’s wild path, but how? I am repetitive but I need to know if I have enough to do the right things before I am gone, I want the world to know that I am not a person with no meaning or moral. I have my own limits, mistakes regrets and fears. I have not yet achieved any of my dreams or goals since I have no idea what they are, my life is bad but I’m fighting, dying is too easy for me to give up yet if I could I would yield to suicidal thoughts easily enough but I want to be something before nothing. If I throw myself away, is this how I’ll be reminded? I want this to be my legacy, my writing. No.. that’s dumb. I want it to be imprinted in people’s mind, make them change perspective, make them think of what they want to achieve before their last breath. I don’t want to be ashes. I want to live in someone’s mind, be honored for what I did, I am human, everyone is. I don’t want prizes, I want people to go for their own dreams and path even if the world screams and scares them. I want to change our future generations, we can do better than now yet nobody does. I have my life ahead of me yet I do nothing. I am useless, but you guys can. Ashes I will be. We are all decomposing, we need to act beforehand. I want to affect the world. I want to leave my print. I am dumb maybe I’m an idiot.

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  • avatar

    SoleilSportive11 alltheme

    Ado TJ·elle/elle·19 ans

    1a

    Hi @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

    Your words resonnated with me, I don't exactly know how. They reminded of all the questions I also myself sometimes, all the doubts that sometimes creep in and yet, I want to keep going, because I want to find that light that fuels; I want to learn more and more about it.

    I don’t have answers to everything but I don’t have no answer either. I think many of us go through periods and moments in our life where we question our own existence and the world we live in. I understand how tough it is to determine what that purpose of yours is and how you think about death and how you want to make the most of your time before it’s too late. 

    I don’t think I can answer all of your questions in one go because to be honest, it’s a lot of questions, so apologies for that.

    I don’t exactly know how people find out their true purpose in life, because it’s personal to each, but one thing that unites these people, I find, is that hope that they will find that purpose someday and live with that beautiful purpose hopefully for the rest of their life. 

    I don’t think I need to divulge too much right now, but something that keeps me alive and going every single day, no matter the highs and lows… that light that keeps me going is my faith. And that faith can take multiple forms and it’s something that I try to remind myself about. It’s something that keeps my hopes up when I doubt if I’ll be able to succeed in the things/areas that I say that I will commit to. I don’t know everything, but I trust. I trust that good things will come out of what I want to achieve, and I actually don’t know much more than you do about my purpose of life, but I hang on and trust that I will maybe find out about it.

    And I don’t think that finding that purpose is that “one answer” that you need to look for, but it can actually take multiple forms, and you can notice many hints of your preferences and potential talents right now. These are potential hints to your purpose maybe, to your legacy (and I don’t have a perfect definition for legacy, but something that people remember about who you were or what you did in life, I’d say that’s legacy) 🩷

    I can’t know how the ending of all of this will be, but one thing I’m certain of, is that no matter how small you think your contribution is right now, it can be seen as the biggest source of hope that came into their life. You can’t always know, but maybe you smiling can turn around someone’s life, and that small act of kindness can bring so many blessings to someone’s life. I believe that any small action can bring happiness into the world and bring in positivity when things seem and are dark.

    I think that one of the many ways to discover your purpose in life is by experimenting. I think it’s by trying things out, and making mistakes, and learning from them, and trying something new again and again that life experiences shape who you are. It’s maybe a simple answer, but that’s a message that I want to emphasize. 

    I guess this quote is right after all: You’ll never know until you try :)

    I think everyone’s timing is different and until then, what we have control over is our everyday actions and how we respond to the life events around us 🩷

    I think that you don’t need to have all the answers ready to make the best out of your life. Your existence has meaning and I truly hope that my words will be that reminder that you matter in this world 🩷

    Remember, it’s by starting with a single drop of water that an ocean can be formed 🩷

    Don’t hesitate to reach out on the TJ forum if you ever need anything; we’ll be happy to help :)

    (sorry for the kinda long answer; I tried to keep it relatively short/long, but I got inspired by your writing. Thanks for sharing by the way; I appreciate it!)

  • avatar

    RoseOptimiste7

    elle/elle

    1a

    Hi, @SoleilSportive11

    (no idea if the @SoleilSportive11 worked oh wait I made it highlight 🤭)

    Didn't know if anyone would actually read all that gibberish, can’t thank you enough for answering both of them with you wisdom, I am quite baffled it inspired you. Didn’t think so. I don’t know if you will get any notifications, this platform confuses me. Makes me feel like a granny, I love both of your answers and the way you answered them, I really appreciate it but I still feel like I would prefer a mental hospital than this hell of a school but I’ll get through it I hope. I’ve met someone a month or so and she became my best friend, she gave me a different answer. Anyway not the real point, most of the questions were pretty much all about making a true impact and living life before dying I didn’t know how it inspired you but I guess if I can make even this small change with my writing I am delighted then. I had such a long essay I had to cut like 3000 characters to erase (not a flex) too damn long for anyone to understand but I’m glad I made it resonate with you. Was it long to read? Well either way, have a great day.

  • avatar

    SoleilSportive11 alltheme

    Ado TJ·elle/elle·19 ans

    1a

    Hey @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

    Yep! You tagged me and it worked 😊

    Thanks for your feedback on my answers. I’m grateful to read that you like how I answered you :)

    I’m happy to see that you’ve made a best friend! It’s good to have someone by your side when times are rough and your friend seems to be a good one and a good source of support too :)

    I think it’s a good thing that you took the time to share some info about yourself with your friend. It’s normal that our answers are different; it shows the multiple perspectives from which we can understand and respond. I think it would be a good idea to take time to reflect on our answers if you wish to; you’ll see by our answers that others do value you and you’re important. You matter 🩷

    If you think a mental hospital would be a better source of help, then I think it’s worth thinking about and maybe it would be good to get advice from a trusting adult before making a decision. Do you maybe have someone in mind to whom you talk to to see if a mental hospital could be a good option for you? 

    And yes! Your writing did inspire me. I was really touched to see how much you care about making a difference in others’ lives and I wanted to try to be at least one of the people who could do that kind of favour in return to you. You have a caring heart 🩷

    Keep writing; you can maybe change a person, a city, a generation, or the world with your words ✨

    Take care and don’t hesitate to reach out!

  • avatar

    HamburgerPersuasif12

    il/lui·15 ans

    9m

    Thanks you for your message. Now I know that I am not the only one worried about that! Just say that you are not there. Just live the moment present, don’t worry about your futur. Live day per day!

  • avatar

    SnowboardBrillant15 alltheme

    Ado TJ·elle/il

    5m

    Hey @RoseOptimiste7

    Honestly I do not know how to respond to all of that, I feel like the questions you asked constently flowing in my mind and I do not find an answer to them ethier. The only thing that I know for sure and thus can respond, is that even if you do not find your purpose and are scared of being forgotten, I can assure you that I will remember this message you wrote. If that can assure you, you have someone that will remeber this and that was marked by your word. I know that if you continue to write people will read you, because I will. Thank you, you helped me put words on my thoughts.

    Hope you have a good day :)

  • avatar

    RoseOptimiste7

    elle/elle

    5m

    @SnowboardBrillant15 aw your amazing, I am writing a book actually and thank you for your kind words and support I completely appreciate it. My book is about a man in the London developing area where people are all stuck in one apartment and some go work in mines and the man works in a publishing warehouse and slowly goes completely insane because of his sleep paralysis haunting his sleep and never getting a good sleep. The hallucinations will make him slowly starts to hurt the people he lives, will he commit a crime? That’s what people will know throughout the book. I want to make it creepy and I’m not a chapter in but I’m working on it and doing poetry because of a film and I think of publishing that too so thank you!

  • avatar

    SnowboardBrillant15 alltheme

    Ado TJ·elle/il

    4m

    @RoseOptimiste7

    Omg! I want to read that book now! The description of your story reminds me a little of Jekyll and Hide. It's really cool that you were able to find a way to leave your mark on the world, because if you publish this book, or anything you write really, there are people who will read it everywhere and forever.

    Take care and good luck with your book! :)

  • avatar

    RoseOptimiste7

    elle/elle

    4m

    @SnowboardBrillant15 thanks!!!! It is gay too and does have pretty bad homophobia as its in the 1820’s but its not an happy ending

  • avatar

    SnowboardBrillant15 alltheme

    Ado TJ·elle/il

    4m

    @RoseOptimiste7 That sound like an insanely good book! It has love, angst, mystery and a touch of scary, it seem so good. Continue to write it, you seem like you have a great imagination and really good ideas.

  • avatar

    RoseOptimiste7

    elle/elle

    4m

    @SnowboardBrillant15 Your so Lovely! Thank you! I definitely will, I really am struggling to write right now but I’ll definitely write tomorrow, have a good day, I’ll definitely post it one day on this website if it gets published!

  • avatar

    SnowboardBrillant15 alltheme

    Ado TJ·elle/il

    4m

    @RoseOptimiste7 Well I can't wait for it! Good luck with your writing, I know how difficile can be to stick to writing a book, but I am sure your gonna make it :)

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  • avatar

    ZombaJudicieux5

    elle/elle·15 ans

    8h
    l’attachement qui blesse

    plusieurs parle de l’attachement en couple et des peines d’amour qui sont douloureuses mais parlons aussi des attachements envers les profs certains vont dire que c’est bizarre de s’attacher à un prof, mais lorsque tu n’as pas eu d’écoute et que tu n’as pas de figure paternelle présente dison que c’est douloureux. je m’explique tu passe un an avec la présence d’un prof qui t’a apporter son aide et qui a même organiser son horaire pour placer des rencontre avec moi pour m’aider avec mon anxiété de performance et à savoir que c’est lui qui a remarquer et qui m’a proposer de l’aide et moi qui a accepter plus tard de prendre son aide en considération après tout les suivis que j’ai déjà eu c’est l’adulte qui m’a réellement apporter de l’aide et donner des conseils justes. puis il était un prof extraordinaire hyper drôle divertissant et intéressant en classe dans sa façon d’enseigner bref incroyable. juste en entrant dans la classe tu allais déjà mieux et le sourire était revenue. à la fin de l’année j’apprends qu’il quitte notre école l’année suivante il m’aidait pourtant avec ma confiance en moi et la je me suis sentie abandonné et vraiment encore aujourd’hui c’est dur pour moi de pas y repenser quand je vais en science je pense juste à l’apnée passée les cours incroyables bref voilà il est revenu déjà à l’école faire des tours et à chaque fois je finis en crise de paniques je ne sais plus quoi faire quelqu’un a déjà vécu ça et c’était quoi vos trucs pour décrocher , car j’ai encore contact avec lui mais c’est dur de s’organiser une rencontre à mon école vu les horaire et les écoles différentes bref voilà merci d’avance désolée si c’est long.

  • avatar

    EucalyptusJudicieux5

    elle/elle

    13h
    Est-ce que c'est normal?

    Bonjour, donc comme vous le savez, je suis chinoise d'origine. Dans la culture chinoise, il y a la "hiérarchie familiale" qui présume que les grands-parents sont au-dessus des parents qui sont au-dessus des enfants.

    Cependant, il y a un hic. Mes parents ne croient pas en la passage d'adolescence (pas leurs mots, mais vous allez comprendre.) Par exemple, quand j'avais neuf ans ("Tu as déjà neuf ans, arrête de te comporter en bébé, tu dois aider dans la famille!") Écrit comme ça, ça ne semble pas si mal, mais laissez-moi expliquer.

    Je suis - selon eux - une enfant gâtée qui veut tout pour elle-même, surtout quand je capote parfois parce que mes parents ne captent jamais le sarcasme et me crient dessus pour avoir été sarcastique, j'ai insulté personne je faisais des blagues et ils crient (un autre défaut, j'en ai parlé avec quelques amis chinois et ils sont tous d'accord avec moi que les parents ne comprennent pas le sarcasme) et quand je "suis juste sur mon ordinateur en train de ne pas aider à la maison".

    Ce qu'ils veulent que je sois? Une adulte. Ouais. Ils veulent que je suis mature, ma mère me donne des conseils pour les relations amoureuses, qui pour moi ne servent à rien, j'ai des hyper bonnes notes à part en éducation physique et j'ai envie de finir mon éducation sans jamais "être sortie avec" personne. Ma mère veut que j'aide dans la maison qui peut paraître raisonnable mais aujourd'hui j'ai dit un mauvais mot et elle m'a ordonné de laver la poêle (ben, le truc pour cuisiner, je ne sais pas comment le dire en français, en anglais c'est un "frying pan").

    Mais je suis mineure.

    Ce que mes parents veulent de moi quand je serais adulte : Bonne élève qui finit ses études à un bon université américain (pensez Harvard), vit avec ses parents (ils veulent assister à ma graduation!!), aie un bon travail bien payant, achète une maison et aie un mari et soit des enfants, soit des animaux de compagnie.

    Ce que je veux : Économiser de l'argent (j'en ai un peu plus de 1000$ en ce moment (je ne vous dirais pas le montant exact, ça serait ridicule de mon point de vue), mais ils refusent que je dépasse ce montant), couper le pont avec mes parents, aller à McGill, finir mes études, vivre seule, ne jamais me marier avant d'avoir fini l'université (car tu ne sais pas où les autres vont être rendus si tu as des crushes au secondaire, au cégep ou même à l'université car ça ne veut pas dire qu'il réussira dans la vie) devenir écrivaine (j'ai déjà écrit une histoire en anglais de 100 pages l'année passée et je vais faire la préquelle de l'histoire ainsi que sa suite cette année. J'adore lire et écrire.

    Mes parents m'ont déjà causé des traumatismes (je ne crois pas que ce soit aussi grave que le PTSD, juste des traumatismes normaux). Par exemple, la fois quand ma mère était fâchée contre moi, j'avais sept ans, et elle a dit qu'elle va me renvoyer en Chine. Ou la fois quand j'avais dit un mauvais mot en mandarin (ouais, je dis plusieurs mauvais mots, c'est une habitude que je dois améliorer) et mon père a dit que s'il m'entend encore dire ça il va m'expulser de la maison. Ou quand mon père, qui me n'a jamais frappée, avait justifié que parfois c'est acceptable de frapper les enfants. Ou ma mère qui a frappé mon chien (raison pourquoi je ne veux pas de chien, je trouve qu'ils sont hyper cute mais je ne veux pas qu'ils seraient comme ce que ma mère a fait au chien que j'ai en ce moment) parce qu'il a mordu le mur. Ou encore quand aujourd'hui, ma mère m'a dit "Si tu ne te comportes pas bien avec moi, je te donnerai la pire version de moi." Euh... je croyais que les enfants faisaient des parents leur modèles, pas le contraire? Et oui, c'est un sujet que j'ai abordé avec mes parents. Ils m'ont répliqué que quand ils étaient petits, ils ne faisaient pas nécessairement la même chose que moi, par exemple ils ne connaissaient pas français (Euh...?)

    La pire chose ce sont les histoires que mes parents me racontent à propos de leurs propres parents et grands-parents. Là je commence à comprendre, c'est un cycle toxique d'abus. En fait, mes parents sont les moins stricts de tous mes oncles, tantes, et cousins qui ont déjà un/des enfant(s). Ils ne peuvent pas rompre le cycle car c'est tout ce qu'ils ont su avec leur grands-parents, parents, oncles, tantes, sœurs et cousins qu'ils avaient. J'ai trop peur d'avoir un enfant et de continuer le cycle. Ou d'avoir un animal de compagnie, d'ailleurs.

    Quand j'en ai parlé à un ami Blanc québécois d'origine en sixième année il était très confus. Il m'a dit que ses parents se fichent totalement de ses notes et il joue aux jeux vidéo jusqu'à tard. J'ai trouvé comment allumer le flashlight dans mon téléphone et écrire jusqu'à tard dans mon cahier pas électronique, mais bon. Je ne sais pas ce qu'il veut dire par jusqu'à tard. Moi je me couche à 23h00 maximum... en sixième année c'était 21h30...

    Est-ce que ç'a un lien avec la culture, dois-je accepter cela même si je déteste cela, et dois-je "en profiter" comme mes parents le disent?

  • avatar

    LoutreHumble7

    elle/elle

    1j
    Je sais plus

    Cette année j`ai commencer le secondaire et je me suis fait un ami, faut savoir que j`ai déjà vécu un traumatisme. Cet ami avait des pensées noirs etc comme l`automutilation etc. Après mon traumatisme j`en ai pas vraiment parler. Mais puisque cet ami me parlait je lui j`ai commencer à moi aussi lui parler, mais depuis un bout c`est comme si je m`enfonce avec lui comme j`ai commencer à me mutiler et à avoir des pensées plus dark. Je ne sais pas si je dois lui dire ou????????????

  • avatar

    ArcodéonImaginative5

    elle/elle·17 ans

    1j
    se sentir seule

    Il y a un mois, j’ai été diagnostiquée avec une maladie qui a complètement changé ma vie en tant qu’adolescente, c’est vraiment dur de vivre ça j’ai réalisé pendant mon hospitalisation que les gens pour qui j’ai toujours été là ne me considéraient pas autant que je les considérais c’est dans ces moments-là qu’on voit qui est réellement là pour nous, et ça fait mal. depuis ce diagnostic, ma vie est devenue compliquée je ne peux plus vivre comme avant je n’ai presque plus de vie sociale parce que je suis immunosupprimée. Sortir est devenu un risque constant, et ça me fait peur. Je me sens piégée, seule et complètement isolée et franchement, ce n’est pas facile à vivre je réalise aujourd’hui que la santé est vraiment la plus grande richesse qu’on puisse avoir