A partner told me that I assaulted him/her: what to do?
Being told by your partner that you went too far or that you sexually assaulted them is a big shock. Maybe you don’t understand, you’re panicked, you’re suddenly very afraid of the consequences, and you feel really bad. Here are some tips on how to handle the situation as best as you can.
Being accused of sexual assault can be very hard to take. It can make you doubt yourself or disagree with the person, it can make you scared, stressed, angry, upset, shocked, resentful, etc. It’s possible that you weren’t listening closely enough, that in your head it was clear, but that you didn’t take enough time to confirm your partner’s consent. Your actions made your partner feel bad even if it wasn’t your intention. In any case, if a person tells you that you hurt them and did not respect their consent you must…
- Consider their experience and point of view
- Believe them, avoid doubting them or minimizing actions or trivializing behaviours. (“I was only caressing you,” “it only happened one time.”)
- Take time to reflect and question your actions (your behaviour, your attitude, what made you behave a certain way, etc.)
- Get informed (e.g. what is consent and what is not, how to make sure you have your partner’s consent, what is sexual assault, etc.) and figure out how to avoid this kind of thing happening again.
- Apologize to them honestly, truly care about how they are feeling, and offer to talk about it.
- Recognize their needs, think about their well-being, and ask if there’s anything you can do for them.
Revisiting past sexual encounters and wondering if you have ever made anyone feel bad can be scary. It is very mature to think about your actions and learn from them, especially at the beginning of your sex life. If you need to talk to a Tel-jeunes counsellor, they will listen without judgment and try to help you figure things out.
Is it possible to assault someone without realizing it?
If you can recognize when someone doesn’t feel like talking to you (e.g. they look away, give short responses without engaging, look for excuses to talk to others or escape the conversation) you can recognize when someone is not interested in pursuing sexual intercourse. When you continue to pursue sexual intercourse and choose to ignore the signs of non-consent, you are committing a sexual assault. Not “noticing” that the other person didn’t want to have sexual intercourse is not an excuse. It is your responsibility to always be certain of your partner’s consent. There are many ways of making sure your partner is consenting freely and with enthusiasm 😊 and making sure that it is a pleasant experience for both of you.
