"Negging": When Flirting Becomes Toxic
You're probably already familiar with words like "ghosting" and "lovebombing," which describe unhealthy relationship behaviors. But have you heard of "negging"? It's a sneaky flirting technique that can be very hurtful.
What exactly is it?
It involves giving ambiguous compliments, like:
"Your dress is pretty, it's different from what you usually wear!"
"You're cool, though!"
"Muscular guys are nice. You don't have any, but you could, I'm sure you could do it!"
These phrases may seem harmless, but they contain a little jab that aims to destabilize. It's an insult disguised as a compliment or a joke.
What's the goal?
Negging is a manipulation technique in which a person deliberately gives a backhanded compliment or makes comments that diminish the other person's confidence in order to flirt. Basically: make you doubt yourself so they can control you better. The person using negging often lacks self-confidence and reassures themselves by putting others down and creating a need for approval.
What are the signs?
It's very insidious and can be difficult to detect. Negging may look like:
Compliments that make you uncomfortable
Remarks that sting, hurt, make you feel insecure, or make you question yourself
Comparisons that make you feel inferior
Why is it toxic?
Negging creates an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship. You may feel obligated to justify yourself or make efforts to please the other person.
If you are being or think you are being negged:
You have the right to say that certain words hurt you. But we know it's not always easy, so we're here for you and we can help you learn to set your boundaries.
Listen to yourself and the signals that tell you this is not normal, comfortable, or positive. You don't have to stay in a relationship that makes you feel bad, sad, or devalued. Our partner is supposed to make us feel good, valued, and confident.
Don't hesitate to talk to a trusted adult: it can help you get an outside perspective and step back from what you're going through.
