Did I give my consent?

If you are asking yourself this question, there’s no question that you feel like your boundaries have not been completely respected by the other person. It’s normal to panic and ask yourself a thousand and one questions. Remember, you have not consented if:

• You refused through your words, actions, or attitude.

• You were paralyzed by fear.

• You were afraid to react or speak up.

• You had no choice but to do what the other person asked.

• You were forced through physical or psychological means (blackmail, threats, bullying or manipulation, or abuse).

• You were unable to give proper consent because you were under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

• You were asleep.

• You were hesitant and were not sure you wanted to (e.g. “I don’t know”, “maybe not tonight”, “uhh…”).

• You felt compelled to do what the other person wanted (you felt pressured, they insisted, they threatened to break up with you, they used force against you, etc.). For example, they might say, “If you really loved me, you’d do it”, “I’ll dump you if you don’t”, “Come on, you said yes before!”, or “Don’t you love me?”

• You were interested in a sexual relationship, but the other person holds a position of authority over you (such as your boss or a coach).

If you are sexually assaulted, you may feel a lot of different feelings at the same time.

• You may feel many different emotions, like fear, shame, guilt, anger, sadness, betrayal, disappointment, humiliation, and more.

• You may feel muddled or confused, especially if you were assaulted by someone you know and love or trust, like a family member, a romantic partner, a teacher, or a trainer.

• You may even still harbour affection for the person who assaulted you and try to convince yourself that it never happened or that it was not really assault.

Remember that it’s not your fault. You are not responsible for what happened. No matter what you were wearing, what you said, or what you did, absolutely nothing excuses your attacker’s actions. The person who assaulted you may threaten you to prevent you from reporting him/her. That person might also try to make you feel guilty for what he/she did, because he/she’s scared of the consequences.

By keeping silent, you’re remaining alone with your suffering, and your attacker will be free to find other victims. So talk about it quickly to an adult you trust or to Tel-jeunes!