My teen is coming out: helpful attitudes
It's not always easy as a parent to be open and accepting when a situation upsets you. You may feel ambivalent between the idea of letting your teen express who he or she is, and that of protecting him or her from the judgment of others.
To remember
👉 Create a climate of openness and dialogue by using an inclusive vocabulary and listening without judging.
👉 Support and love your young person unconditionally, respecting his or her pace and identity.
👉 Question your own values and gender stereotypes.
Even for parents for whom acceptance of their youngster as he or she is seems self-evident, adaptation can be long and fraught with pitfalls. They may feel social pressure, concern about doing the right thing for their teenager, stress at the thought of hurting him/her, helplessness and loneliness.
The support of parents is very important for the well-being of their children. So it's a good idea to reflect on our expectations and the stereotypes we hold. It's good advice for our young people to demonstrate attitudes favorable to gender equality, and to offer a variety of opportunities for gender expression.
Here are some attitudes that can help
Question your values and attitudes about gender. For example, would I agree to call my child by a name other than the one I chose? Would I allow my son to wear nail polish? What would I say to my daughter who always wants to wear her brother's clothes? How would I react if my son introduced me to his boyfriend?
Create a climate of openness from childhood. Without being homophobic, a parent could make heterosexist comments. Heterosexism is the assumption that a person is heterosexual. So, without any ill intentions, a parent might ask a daughter “Do you have a boyfriend at school?” or a son “Are you starting to get interested in girls? But the vocabulary we choose can send a message to our youngster that he or she doesn't meet our expectations or doesn't fit the mold. The LGBTQ+ young person may interpret this as rejection of his or her identity, and it could be more difficult for him or her to come out. We can then use a more open vocabulary: “Are you in love?”, “Do you have someone in your life?”.
Listen, love and support your child. Although it can sometimes be surprising or destabilizing for a parent, it's important to believe the LGBTQ+ teenager who's coming out, not to doubt him or her, and to tell him or her that you love him or her by being welcoming and willing to listen.
Adolescents may not yet be clear about their sexual orientation. Allowing them to experience this period of questioning and identity uncertainty could prove beneficial. Talking to others about their questions can help them define and consolidate their sexual identity.
Respect the young person's rhythm. Coming out, or disclosing one's sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression, is a highly personal process.
It's up to the individual to decide when and to whom to reveal their sexual orientation. It's important not to rush our teenager when he or she isn't ready yet.
For example, even if you think you know your teenager's sexual orientation, it can be traumatic for him or her to be backed into a corner or confronted. Instead, pass on messages of openness to discussion and let your teen come to you at a time that seems appropriate.
Make an effort to be tolerant and accepting. This applies both to your child's own identity and to the judgments of others. If necessary, turn to specialized professionals, such as psychologists, sexologists, child psychiatrists or community resources that bring together parents living the same reality (Jeunes identités créatives, Coalition des familles LGBT) can help you if you feel the need.
