What is sexual assault?

False! Both men and women have sexual drives, urges, and desires. It is important to remember that our expectations when it comes to these sexual urges are founded on stereotypes created by society. These expectations are influenced by such myths as: men always want sex, they must have sexual relations in order to tame their urges, women are less interested in sex, the urges men feel are out of their control, and more. Yet, these are all untrue! It’s important to remember that everyone is capable of controlling themselves, that sexual assault is a question of power and control over another person, not of being overly sexually aroused, or a lack of control over our sexual urges. Each one of us has the choice to act—or not—on our drives, desires, and urges, and we are responsible for our actions. Our sexual urges and desires should never impinge on another person’s well-being.

True! It’s wrong to believe that sexual assault only occurs in a dark alley at night and is committed by strangers. In over 80% of cases, the abuser is someone who is close to the victim: a friend, a professional, an authority, a neighbour, a family member, a partner, or an acquaintance, irrespective of religion, ethnic origin, sex, age, sexual orientation, or social class. Since the victim knows the abuser, reporting them becomes very difficult: victims might have mixed feelings about the person they love or trusted but who hurt them, the abuser might be highly regarded by the victim’s entourage, victims might hesitate to report them for fear of the repercussions on themselves and the abuser, and various other reasons. Because abusers know their victim, they also know their weaknesses, including how to make them feel guilty or convince them to keep a secret.

False! Sexual assault is a power game (a feeling of control over the other person), not a question of sheer physical dominance. In fact, some victims of sexual assault are physically stronger and larger than their abusers. Abusers often turn to strategies such as manipulation, blackmailing, and threats—rather than physical strength—to get what they want. It is also common for a victim not to fight off their abuser, since the former doesn’t realize in the moment that they are in fact being sexually assaulted. This is even more true if the act is committed by a loved one.

False! False accusations are unacceptable because they can have serious consequences for the falsely accused and they undermine victims’ credibility. However, the fact is, they represent a tiny percentage compared to actual assaults and true accusations. Unfortunately, this myth contributes to the discrediting of victims and empowers alleged aggressors when we know that statistically speaking if someone says they have been sexually assaulted, they are telling the truth. Believing the victim is always the right thing to do.

True! Too often, society uses the degree of violence of the crime to determine whether a sexual assault is “real,” forced penetration being considered the “worst”. It’s important to know that a person's suffering does not depend on the severity of an act. This kind of myth minimizes the impact that certain acts, like exhibitionism, fondling, harassment, and others, can have on a victim. All forms of assault cause suffering for victims and they should all be taken seriously. Rating certain assaults as “more serious” or “less serious,” often implies that if it had been a “real” assault and had caused a lot of harm to the victim, they would have reported it. Keep in mind that no assault is more serious than another and that victims hesitate to speak up because of victim-blaming myths, prejudices, and taboos.

False! This is a message often conveyed in the entertainment industry. They give the impression that continuing to insist demonstrates a true interest in a person and that eventually, it will lead to sexual behaviours, sexual relations, dating, becoming a couple, etc. When someone ignores uncertainty or a refusal it’s a red flag, the person does not respect consent and that should be concerning, not charming. In short, insisting is not proof of love and a “no” (verbally or nonverbally) always needs to be respected.

True! It’s true that statistically most assaults are committed by men, but women are also capable of committing sexual assault. In fact, because of myths and prejudices present in society, some acts committed by women are not recognized as assault and are therefore reported less often. Anyone can commit sexual harassment or assault; it always needs to be taken seriously.

False! There are many reasons why a victim may go back to their aggressor: their relationship (lover, family member, or friend), the benefits of their relationship (they get attention, gifts, help with problems), fear, threats, manipulation, guilt, etc. Just because a victim goes back to their aggressor, it doesn’t mean that they were not assaulted or that they are OK with the harm the aggressor inflicted on them. The aggressor’s act is unacceptable whether or not the victim goes back to them.